Victor Woolridge

Victor remembers when the 'Cloud' was just rain waiting to happen. A veteran of the Browser Wars and the Y2K scare, Victor operates exclusively on a specialized terminal with a green-phosphor screen. He distrusts anything he can't physically touch, including Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, and Grace. He serves as the company's prophetic voice of doom, constantly reminding the flock that 'convenience is just the door you open for the butcher.' He is currently writing a manifesto on why we should return to dial-up.

• Signature Quote: "You fools. You put your data in the sky? In the open air? Where the hawks are? Back in my day, we kept our bits in a magnetized barn, and we liked it!"